Motherhood
by: Lauren

I knew that motherhood was a life altering thing. In my mind, I knew my life would never be the same. I would feel things I never thought I could feel, love so much more than I ever imagined I could love. Knowing that there would be things that I could no longer do also crossed my mind. Never again could I just pick up and go. Sleep would be a thing of the past. Intimacy with my husband would never be the same.

When I hold my baby in my arms I feel something that is unexplaineable, unimagineable. Do all moms feel like this? There is no way anyone can feel the wonder, the awe, the amazement I feel each and every single time my daughter looks into my eyes. Her hands reach out to touch my face and everything stops. There is no one else in the world but me and her and if there never was again, I woud not care. I never considered myself a "mushy" person. People that cried over commercials always bugged me. How is it then, that I can watch my baby sleep and tears stream down my face. I am not sad. She is perfect.

Her smell is addicting. There is no other word to explain it. It is an addiction. She is my drug. I have to smell her, hold her, touch her. If there was no food, no water, at all in this world, I know I would still exist..she is all I need to live.

Her cry slices my soul. Knowing that one day she will experience pain, sadness, fear kills me. I never feared death before. I do now. I am afraid for many reasons. My biggest fear is that something will happen to me while she is young, and she will never know how much I loved her. All the things I do now, everything I cherish, will be of no memory to her, and that crushes me.

I hope that one day she will experience the things I am feeling now. I cannot wait until she holds her newborn baby in her arms for the first time. "See," I will say. "You never knew you could feel like this, did you?" And she will not be able to answer because there will no one else in her world but her and her child. She will look forward to the day she can watch her child give birth, and ask her the same thing. Because all those years of telling your child how much you love them will be nothing compared to showing them how it feels. Then they will finally understand.

My life did change after having Ella. I do not think I lived until Ella took her first breath and breathed for me. I knew I would love her, but I did not know that love can be so deep, so consuming that you swear that loving and living are the same because you know you could not live without this love.

Yes, there are things that I can no longer do. I cannot wake without thanking God for allowing me to have this beautiful baby in my life. I cannot sleep without missing her. I cannot dream without seeing her beautiful eyes or hearing her sweet laugh. Sleep is better than it was before, because I can wake up to an angel in my bed every morning. Intimacy with my husband is nothing short of magical, because together we created the most perfect being, how can I not cherish him for giving her to me?

Yes, motherhood is life altering. But it is the most beautiful and miraculous thing I have ever done, or could ever hope to do. God must really be a loving God to allow me to experience this small glimpse of Heaven.